"Mom"

"Don't blink."

That's the song that keeps running through my head as I ponder this thing called "life". Lately I just keep asking myself so many questions about why we are here.. What is the purpose of this struggle? IS there a purpose? And no matter what I think up... it all takes me back to who I am. It doesn't matter if there is a purpose or if there is an after life. Although it may just make me scatter brain crazy thinking about it. I never want my children to question life because of a struggle they come to.

Jaquie is what everyone calls me. That is not who I am.

As I hurry to get ready for the superbowl yesterday, Jentri runs in the kitchen and says "Mommyyyyyyyy! Mommyyyyyyyyy!" and reaches for me to hold her close. I stopped everything I was doing and did just that. Picked my little angel baby up and held her close. We walked around the house and she laid her head down on my shoulder. All I could think about was comforting her. Letting her know that I am her Mommy and I will always be there to hold her close.

I picked Jackson up from his Dad's and I was greeted with "Momma! Yay! Momma! I missed you!" Again, picked up my other baby and held him close. We walked through the house gathering his stuff so we could go to Grandma's. I tell ya.. it's not easy to pack a 5 year old around the house for 20 minutes. ;) But I did. I held him close and told him that I am so happy he is coming home.

We went to Grandma's and sissy was SO happy to see him. She loves her brother and he loves her. They kissed and hugged and Jackson "GOT HER!" and she just giggled and giggled. A little bit later Jackson resorted to his games on the computer and Jentri sat with her "Mommyyyyyyyy!" and watched the game. She didn't want anyone else to cuddle her.

Last night as I handed Jackson a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, he said "Thank you Momma." You're welcome baby, I replied. "I love calling you Momma. Not Mom, Momma." And walked off to watch a movie with M.

I stood in the kitchen, washing dishes, and just smiled.

I am clueless about "life". I don't know why I'm here or how we all got here. I don't know what happens when you die. I've made my fair share of mistakes and I choose to believe that after asking for God's forgiveness, I'm alright.

I get so caught up in bills, and work, and stress about so many of the little things and I forget to hold my babies close and really take the feeling of being called Momma and Mommyyyyyy in. That's what I live my life for. Those two little blondies. The two that leave legos on the floor for me to step on in the dark. The two that leave gogurt wrappers laying around the house. {And you bet Jackson never forgets to get her one too :)} I choose to live a life to make my kids happy, comfortable, and to believe that there is a purpose to be here. Not a day has gone by, nor will one ever, that they feel unloved. And for me? The same. My heart can be disappointed and sad but as soon as I look at them... their little spirits assure me that it's alright.

I'm Momma. I'm Mommyyyyyy. And that's the person that I'll be for the rest of my life no matter who comes, who goes, what happens, or questions that I have.

I love you, my sweet babies.♥