Change.

I'm extremely grateful for this app that lets me blog on my phone at home because I just have to let my feelings out. So beware... LONNNG post ahead.

Im laying on my floor, listening to Pandora. I drank coffee all day.. cleaned the heck out of my house. Like, rearranged my living room, scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, did all the laundry. I took the kids to my mom's earlier to watch the football game and Jentri took her first steps.. I wanted to cry. We all watched and she was so excited. But when isn't she? :) She had kind of a rough day today. She pulled a tile off the table and it smacked her right between the eyes! :( poor girl. My brother is the best uncle to those kids.. I really am so thankful for him. I don't have much family that cares to be a part of our lives but my brother and momma are enough! They give us sooo much love. I am so glad I only live a minute away from them..

Jackson went to his Dad's .. I dread it.

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and that's really why I'm writing this.. a couple of months ago, all I could think was how stoked I was to be able to go to the bar and buy my own alcohol but today.. it's really just another year to me. Another year that I've been able to enjoy watching my babies grow. Another day to have great, old friends come visit me. Another year to make memories in my home.

I don't have many friends that are physically a part of my life. Miss Jennie is my closest, and she lives the furthest. It really sucks only seeing her once a year.. I love that chick! And the baby chick. {*smile!*}

So when KaCee came to see me today... I was happy. It was really nice having some company that I've known my whole life. I probably sounded like a doofus trying to get Jentri to show her all of her cool tricks. Ha. But it's not very often that we see outsiders. Then when we went outside.. I had some awesome glowing balloons and an orchid there waiting for me. It made my birthday, and it isn't even my birthday yet! Thanks Mont and Gage!

And to top of this wonderful day.. Tyler came to see me, too. :) Tyler has been a great friend of mine for YEARS! I love that kid, always have. He is a handsome bugger and what I love most is that we go for months without hanging out or talking and we act like we see eachother every day. Whether its been a day, week, or months.. we can sit and conversate forever. It's hard to find great guy friends like him. :)

Sooo tomorrow.. for my BIG TWO-ONE! I am going to go to work, just like every other Monday.. I am going to take care of Jentri and do invoicing. Im gonna get off work and pick up my baby boy and just soak in the blessings and love that I have.

I am lonely, no doubt. I've made so many mistakes, and learned from each and every one. I've walked away from some things I shouldn't have, and walked away from things that I thank God about every day. I have been missing my best friend so much lately, I wasn't me without her...everyone knew that. But I had a dream about her last night. And it was so real. It just made me realize that yes, I will love her my whole life. She helped me be me. :) but things change. People change. Life changes. And some things are just meant to be.. and I think us callin quits on our friendship was one of those things. I've grown sooo much as a person in the last couple of months. I woke up yesterday morning HAPPY.. I cuddled my babies and just felt peaceful. I don't go out anymore. I don't have "friends" to just chill with anymore. This is MY life. I don't have forever to grow up and make a good future, my kids are 1 and 5. I have to do this for them now.

So the biggest thing I am thankful for tonight is my past! The present! And the future. It feels really good to be able to reminisce on the things and people that made my heart happy once upon a time and thanks to those things, I know that the feeling I feel now wont last forever.. THINGS CHANGE.. PEOPLE CHANGE.. and this, too, will change. I am going to enjoy laying on this carpet, jamming out to heartache songs all. by. myself. And when I wake up tomorrow, the gratitude I have for the things and people of my past, present and future.. will be even stronger. :)

Xoxo