Who I am...

"Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become." -Steve Jobs

This quote is absolutely perfect for me right now. For a long time now I have felt like my life is moving in slow motion. Like I'm going no where. Just working, and raising my kids. No ambition to do anything for myself. I haven't been growing as a person. I have just been stuck in this rut... going day to day. Frozen. I feel like I've been trying too hard to make everyone {except myself} happy. In the last few years, I formed into this person that I swore I'd never be. And don't get me wrong, I love myself. I love who I am becoming, and I am blessed for the life that I do live. But I've pushed things and people away because of others' opinions. I've let people and things get in the way of my true happiness.
There are certain things in my life that I'm ashamed of. For instance- the 9 days I lived with my "husband". Or how about the amazing guy that I let go because I said he was "too nice". Or how about the time I got roses and complained because I didn't like roses.{Yep.. WTF..} Or how I got pregnant only 2 months after being with this man that I obviously didn't know.

There are many things that I can name that have happened in the last few years that I truly am ashamed of. Although I do love my life, and those happenings have shaped the life that I live today... I do hurt because of them. I am sometimes depressed, and have anxiety in fear that the things I have gone through are going to affect me for the rest of my life. BUT- I have to trust God and have faith that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I wouldn't have my happy, energetic, loving baby girl if my life were the way I "imagined" it to be. I have to be patient and know that I will be who I want to be as long as I don't let others' opinions get in the way of my inner voice. I know exactly how I want my life to be, and I am the only one who can make it happen. Patience, faith, hope, and trust are some things I really need to practice. I know a woman- a very beautiful, intelligent woman, who is older, and has lived a great life. She has wonderful children whom most are adults. And at one point, her world came crashing down... From the way she wrote, and talked, and lived- she had those 4 exact things down. Patience, faith, hope, and trust. I'm sure she felt the way I do some days. But she kept going strong... And guess what? She just got married and is finally living her happily ever after.
It's hard to have the strength when all I feel like doing is crying. I know that there are things I have to do to get where I want to be and I can't keep "waiting" on whatever it is I've been waiting on. I have to pick myself up and move up... because nothing in my past has been what's meant to be permanent. And that's what I want, permanent. I want a permanent best friend and lover. I want a permanent home where I don't have to pack up the kids and go home when night falls. I want a permanent career that I can count on to pay my bills and support my children. I want permanent pictures. I want permanent happiness.
I'm gonna let someone make me feel amazing. I've pushed that away before and I'm not doing that again. I know I deserve the world, and I'm not settling for anything less than that. I've accepted low, maybe because I felt low about myself. {?} But I think the first step is realizing that just because I feel like someone else, I'm always going to be me. And if I know who I am- I will know what I want, and what I deserve... and the things or people I begin to accept will shape me into what I truly want to become. :)

Goodbye low... Hello high!