Random Rambling.

I feel like I have a lot of thoughts today... and for some reason, I've had a hard time spilling my feelings lately. So this is me finally putting it all out there. You don't have to read. ;)

Gonna ramble about feelings and not feeling feelings and not being able to talk about feelings.

I've always been good with my words. I can lay it out no matter what. I know how to say something with manners, and straight to the point. Until... an old feeling/memory/love was strewn across me. I had gone 2 years... TWO years... thinking it would come back one day but finally okay if it didn't. I thought that day had come. When the chance arose, I wasn't going to let it pass me by. I love these people. Just like I love my own. They make me happy. They make my kids happy. They love us, and we love and adore them to death. Anyway... I was fooled. And it really got me. What shook me the most is the person I knew, and loved, and understood for so long... is someone else now. I don't even know that person anymore. All the things I believed, and loved, and cherished... are gone. No heart. No respect. No compassion. I am disappointed, to say the least. Disappointed in this person's choices... and hurt by the lies, or whatever you want to call them, that they told me. I needed and wanted so badly to hear the things they said... but I wanted and needed to see and feel those things as well. Talk is so cheap. And I truly believe that now. I was played like a complete fool... and it led me to a dark underground cave to hide my heart. And now I can't share my feelings with a person that actually wants to hear and feel them with me. :(

I met an amazing person. Actually two. They fill my heart with lots of love and happiness. As much as I want to deny what we have... we have somethin'. And it's driving me insane that I can't share my feelings the way that I want to. Maybe this vent will help? I don't know. I'm sure he doesn't know either. I hate being resistant... but I'm afraid of being naive, and hurting.. like I have for the past 3 years. I am good at hiding but sometimes I think the truth should be told. So here it is out to the world. That my heart hurts! I feel like I've grown so much- into a great Mother. Into a great worker. Into a great parent, house keeper, cook, crafter... but I think I'm failing at a lover. Ugh. Horrible.

Next.

I started school clothes shopping today, I can't believe Jax is in his 2nd year of school.. so bittersweet! I think I'm the best bargain shopper. Haha. Loooove it. So far I've bought all brand name clothes - Hurley, Quiksilver, Volcom, Puma, Converse - I've got a hoodie, pack of socks, 7 shirts, and shoes for about $70, including shipping. I think that's pretty good! Now to find pants, and one more pair of shoes. He's soo fun to shop for!

Next.

I've had my new tattoo for two weeks and it's pretty much healed... but it itches worse now than it has the entire time. WTF! Worse.Itch.EVER.

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I haven't been to the drive in for everrr and we're finally taking the boys tonight. Yay:)

Next.

I might not make it to the drive inn with hair after a day of work with a fussy teething baby...

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I really need to have a yard sale. I have soo many decorations that I don't need. I wonder if I could sell bows at my yard sale? Haha. Seriously. I need to make some muuula. I am beginning to freak out about my fall/winter bank suckers...

Two different couples are getting married next month. I think I pretty much know what I'm going to make for them. Shouldn't cost too much but going to be SUPER cute. I wanna get married so I can make me cute married stuff. ;) Nottttt.

School Tuition is $50/month starting next month. Not too bad...

My Mom's birthday is October 4th. She deserves something good. :)

Jackson's birthday is October 23rd- I promised him a big party for his 5th birthday. I think we are having a mustache party. Ha.. my favorite. I have some good ideas that I should be able to make myself for pretty cheap. Better get to planning.

I bought the main piece of Jentri's halloween costume yesterday. Only spent $14! Sweet. It shouldn't cost too much more to finish the outfit. I decided what Jackson is going to be... his costume should be fairly cheap as well but I need my brain to brew up some good ideas... I hate store bought costumes so both of their's will be home made this year. :)

My 21st birthday is November 7th. I wanted to do something big for it but hey, single mama's don't always get their way. Lol. I'm fine with making my own cake and letting my kiddo's blow out my candles. I don't need to go anywhere. Money saaaaving!

Then comes my little missy's first birthday, November 19th! CRAZY! I can't believe she's going to be one soon. I probably won't do anything too big for hers. Just something little for the family and a couple of friends.

Then Christmas... I always spend a lot of money on Christmas. This year I'm going to try to do some early sale shopping and a lot of DIY stuff for family and friends.

As you can see- either way I want to go about it... It's going to be a lot of money spending this year. Next year(and every year after!) I plan on taking a big chunk of my taxes and putting it into a seperate account specifically for all of these things at the end of the year.

Next.

Is it just me, or does everyone think about babies? I know that I don't want more babies but I still imagine myself with more babies and think about baby names. I think about this hot mama cruising in her Tahoe with 6 kids loaded in the back..HA HA HA just kidding. They're so loving, and cute, and I think the biggest part is the bond you have.. and the bond I should have with my children's father. But I don't. So lame.

Next.

I really want to paint my kitchen cabinets... they're just oak right now but I want them black. Or maybe I should do a country white with glaze? My kitchen is tiny. If someone is reading this... what do you think??

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Alright, that was a lot of random rambling. I better get back to work. :)