Heart..... attack?

Reason behind the title.

Last night jackson didn't want to go to bed so I laid down with him. I told him my chest hurt and he told me it's because I'm so heartbroken that he doesn't want to stay at my house anymore. That might possibly be it. When it was time for me to go to my own bed, I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight. He sat up, looked at me, and said "But Mama... I'm having a heart attack." *Sigh*.

I laid with him for an hour. He cried for the first ten minutes as I rambled things off of my tongue to gain his attention. I held him in my arms and said "I remember when you were just a tiny little baby inside my belly." He quit crying and started asking questions. I said, "I can still feel you inside of my belly. I was sitting upstairs on the computer and I felt the most amazing butterfly sensation. But it wasn't butterflies... it was you."

He smiled and started twirling my hair with his tiny little fingers.

I said, "One day, I was laying on your Dad's bed. You started wiggling around in my tummy so I laid back and I told your Daddy to hurry over and put his hand on my belly. He felt you move for the first time. You kicked his hand!"

He smiled and kept twirling my hair with his tiny little fingers.

I said, "October rolled around, your Daddy was going hunting and I had to go to the doctor. Grandma Brenda went with me. They made me drink a YUCKY drink; it made me so sick. We left the doctors and went shopping. I was exhausted so Grandma dropped me back of at home and I was going to take a nap. My belly started hurting... I wondered what you were doing to me in there! I called Grandma and told her... by then I was crying. She hurried home and said we had to go to the hospital because it sounded like I was in labor...."

J:"What's labor?"

Me:"When you are about to have a baby."

Still twirling my hair with his tiny little fingers.

"So we got in the car, Papa was driving so fast... running red lights and everything. We got to the hospital, I was definitely in labor. They gave me some yucky medicine and your Daddy was on his way. You were too little to come out."

J:"How big was I? Like [---] this big?"

"I thought I was going to have to live in the hopsital forever... I was sad. I stayed there for 3 days.. on the third morning I woke up and thought I was in labor again... so I told the nurse and sure thing, I was. So they decided to take me in for a C-Section."

J:"What's a C-Section?"

Me:"Where they cut a baby out of your belly..."

Eyes locked on my lips, still twirling my hair with his tiny little fingers.

"They gave me a shot in my back so that I couldn't feel anything. I laid on the table. Grandma was on one side, your Daddy on the other. They put a curtain in front of me so I couldn't see anything. They got you out, cut the umbilical cord, and passed you to the nurses in the NICU. They told me that you peed on the nurses and started crying."

J:*Snickers* "I peed on them!"

"Then they sewed my tummy up, made me rest for a couple hours, then got me in the wheelchair so I could go see my new baby boy. I was so excited. I couldn't wait another minute. I got there, went through the doors and saw a tiny little boy with wires all around him, laying under a light, on a tiny little bed, with a frog blanket. You were so perfect. I laid my hands on you and cried tears of joy. I was overwhelmed with love for my little baby. Your head was as big as your Daddy's nose. You were my baby. I went to that hospital every single day and watched you grow up."



J:"I lived there? For a way long time?"

Me:"54 days!"

J:"Wooooah..."

Me:"I want to watch you grow up forever. I want you to be my baby... forever."

J:"I am your big baby, Mama."




He smiles and keeps twirling my hair with his tiny little fingers.

I kiss him. And believe me, that story came with lots of tears.

The last month has been extremely hard. At first, I was just irritated. I was spending my couple hours of 'alone' time at night, trying to get Jax to sleep, or stay in his bed for that matter. And I still am. It has never been like this and I'm shaken up about the whole thing. What happened?
He used to be in bed at 8pm and asleep by 8:30pm. Jentri, the same. It was nice to be able to relax for an hour or so before I went to bed myself. But now.. I put him in bed at 8 and there isn't but 4 minutes in between each "MOM!!" or him getting up to come in my bedroom to talk.

It's frustrating.

He cries. He screams. He whines. He makes up stories about why he can't stay in bed. He wants his Daddy. He hates me. He misses his Daddy. He misses his cat. His bedroom doesn't have enough windows. He is having a heart attack. He is starving, even though we ate dinner a couple hours ago and he had an apple a half hour ago.
There are so many excuses.

It's starting to take a toll on me. The fight goes from 8pm until at least 11pm.

The feeling that your child doesn't like being at your home anymore is heart wrenching.

I like to think he is just in a phase. He's just being a typical 5 year old and it will soon pass.

But it still hurts.

What if it never goes away? What if he hates me for making him stay with me, instead of his Dad?

What are the reasons he'd rather stay at his Dad's? I think I can name a few.

-No bed time.
-Food/snacks whenever he wants.
-Soda Pop
-TV as many hours of the day as he'd like.
-Gets to sleep in the same bed with either Dad or Grandma
-Gets to have his Cat inside with him.
-No sharing attention with another kid.

I am just lost.

I hope it goes back to how it used to be.

He loves spending time with me during the day. We have so much fun together... but as soon as I say it's time for bed, it's a huge battle and Dad seems to be the hero.

I love my Jackson Hunter so much. My heart is aching at the thought of him leaving me, EVER. He is my baby... I don't want to think about him choosing to live with his Dad over me and I just don't know what to do.




Lord, please help us get to a lighter ground with this situation. My throat is sore from tempting tears.