Core of the apple.

Maybe he'll notice her now. Maybe he'll open his eyes. Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize... but sometimes not even that is enough.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have a plan worked out in your head, only for it to come back and bite you in the ass? You know what is going to happen. But instead of sitting with the fact and learning to deal with it, you make a plan in your head and convince yourself otherwise. I gave it an extra year to chance the work out, and it still didn't... and I actually thought that maybe this abusive, manipulative, selfish man would be a good father to my daughter and a good man to me. After a year of false hopes and broken promises; I walked away. Completely aware of what I was doing. Hoping that maybe he would realize how lucky he was to have my little family in his life. But it did completely opposite! He just went on with his life. He drinks, waves, fights, laughs, kisses, hugs, feels, and moves away... like we were never here.

Some days I feel strong. Other days I feel weak. Some days I feel like a total fool for ever believing that the impossible was possible. Other days I feel like I am one of the smartest women for sticking by someone's side through hard times, learning the things that I did, and being able to leave when feelings were the same and the distance was getting longer when the hard times were over and we should have been stronger. Maybe I needed those lessons to shape up and be the friend, woman, worker, daughter, shopper, cleaner, sister, cooker, writer, driver, and most importantly- mother, that I am today.

I still question whether I made the right choice. Some days I feel like I should just go back. Because the small amount of love we were getting seems like it was better than what we get now. But then I remember all of the bickering and arguing. The name calling and the feeling of disappointment when I was forgotten over a weekend. The days that I was counting on money to help pay my bills and instead find him at a bar, dressed fresh in new clothes. I am over that part of my life. I know that there was a point when I stood there and thought to myself- "we deserve more than this." and I chose to walk away. I was strong that day, and I'm not letting my weak days over power the things that my soul worked hard for. :)

It's okay to feel hurt when you aren't noticed by someone you have put your all into. If I wouldn't have given our relationship this extra year to grow apart, maybe I would have jumped back into the same thing again. I have learned so much by loving someone that was selfish, manipulative, abusive, mentally incompetant, lonely, and sad. I learned that some people truly believe that the world revolves around money- clothes, watches, shoes, cars, big houses, alcohol, drugs, etc., and no matter what you do to try and get them on your level... they were born that way and your voice will never matter. Just because love is what your world revolves around, does not mean that loving someone is going to make them understand that concept of life. I learned that there are some people that truly believe that the world owes them something. Also, that being cheated on is absolutely no reason to end a relationship.. So what if it happened yesterday. Quit worrying about what went on in the past. I learned that there really are people that suffer from severe mental disorders and medicine really does help them. There are normal, average, every day families that lose their loved one to these mental disorders. I learned that not everyone learns from their mistakes, and not everyone can look at their past to change their future. Some people choose to be numb and careless because at one time in their life something traumatic happened to them and they will never let someone get close enough to hurt them again. Some people pray asking God to help them make a lot of sales so that they can get a nice red convertable. God isn't your best friend to help you get rich. Some people just don't understand that.

I learned that your children are the core of the apple. When everything else is gone, the core is still there. No matter who hurts you, what dumb choice you made, how much money you have, what kind of dinner you cook- your children are still there with unconditional love for you. They still think you are super woman. :) Forget the world. Let their innocent laughter and imaginative minds be what your world revolves around!

Although this past year I felt hurt, lost, broken, lonely, forgotten, and sad.. I learned a lot and I am grateful for the challenge that I was put up to. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter to help her brother remind me what life is really about. I know that I am closer to the end of that trial and I still have my hard days but for the most part I am strong. I know that what I have gone through is nothing compared to what other people are facing every day, and that is one thing that keeps me motivated. I do have a wonderful life and all these hard things that I am faced with are just more lessons to be learned. It's always nice to be able to think back on my past struggles and remember what I learned from those and apply them to my present struggles. It helps me to remember that I can get through anything with God, my amazing babies, and my close friends and family that are always there enjoying the simple things with me. :)