Downer...

I wonder if a sunny week would change my mood.. I'm getting kind of sick of this sad...lonely...scared...confused...past few days. Blah.

#1
My dear Daddy's birthday was on the 10th, he would have been 54. I often sit back and wonder if I wished on every star in the sky he would come back to be the wonderful Papa I know he would have been...but obviously that's not realistic. I miss him so much. He had such an impact on my life, he was my best friend! I looked up to him in every way. I still remember the smallest memories we had together.
He used to wake us up every morning by yelling "Cock-A-Doodle-DoO!!!!" I thought it was funny, but Jared didn't seem to agree. :)
One Saturday that I can recall, (I'm sure there were many more) My mom stayed in the kitchen to cook us all breakfast while Dad, Jared and I danced around the living room to the beach boys and banged pots and pans together.
He took us fishing any time we wanted; One time we went to Potters Pond and I remember we caught like 22 fish! Jared and I were sooo proud. Haha.
I used to ride horses and my Dad was my number one fan. He helped me with everything. My favorite horse, Donna, rolled in some barbed wire and it went through her stomach and she had to be put to sleep. I was devastated. So Dad got me another and his name was Dusty. I had just got him and wanted to ride around a little in the field across the street so of course Dad and I went over.. I rode a little bit and wanted to be done so I walked up the front and all the sudden Dusty wanted to buck me off... Dad about killed that horse I swear.

One thing I remember very well... I had a bunk bed in my bedroom, and Jared always slept with my Mom so Dad usually slept on the bottom and I slept on the top. I had a minnie mouse comforter, thought it was the cutest thing ever ;) I had a scary dream and jumped off the top bunk to run into my parents bedroom and my Dad woke up and grabbed me and let me know everything was okay and he was there so I didn't need to go anywhere. I laid next to him and he snuggled me back to sleep.

I do very well running away from any hurt, anger, or negative thing in my life.. Then it builds up. I wish I had the comfort of my Dad like I did that night. Knowing that I don't need to go anywhere because he's here and this will pass. But I don't... and although I have hundreds of other people in my life... There has yet been someone to give me that comfort, and I don't think there ever will.

#2
I am a nervous wreck about being a single parent of 2. I thank God every day that I have my Mom. She gives me some of the support I need at this time. I just hope that BOTH of my children know how much they mean to me and neither of them ever doubt my unconditional and equal love for them.

#3
I will be done with school on June 26th. I can't wait! Except I won't be able to get a job as a Dental Assitant until at least January of 2011, and I'm kind of sad about that. Being unemployed is taking a toll on me. It has had a lot of good perks- being able to do school/intern, spending more time with my little man, scrapbooking and crafts:). But at the same time it has it's bad- I can't save up any money living off of my unemployment, sitting home every day is starting to make me depressed. I am debating on finding a part time job in July or just waiting until the new year to work. Guess we'll see what happens by July/August! And how fat I am;)

Ahhh....... SUN, ARE YOU SCARED OF ME OR SOMETHING?