I am a happy, positive, outgoing person. I'm extremely easy to get along with. Before I got pregnant with Jentri, I was so strong and I never let my feelings get hurt. I look back on my past relationships and friendships, and I had good and fun ones. Yeah, they may have turned bad.. but for the time being, I was happy. It wasn't hard for me to accept someone into my life and love the person that they were. Despite their past. I was always so happy to have someone by my side, to enjoy the little things life had to offer. I was an emotional person. I would cry over a commercial, or someone winning tickets on the radio. And I loved that. I enjoyed crying.
Then I got pregnant. And life changed. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was happy, scared, felt blessed, terrified, and mostly, felt like I was disappointing my family and friends.. and not only them, but disappointing myself. I was 19 years old, and had a 3 year old. I wasn't in a relationship that I knew would last. I loved him. No, I liked the idea of loving him... He abused my thoughts, words, and doings and it changed the person that I was. I didn't want to bring a baby into this world with the situation I was in. I didn't want to raise another baby on my own. I didn't think that I could possibly do it. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. And I researched my options. I looked at countless adopting families and found a few that I felt would be perfect for this child of mine. But as I continued to pray, and life continued to open new doors for me.. I felt that I was supposed to make this baby mine. It was all going to be okay. Even though I knew deep down that I would be the Mother and Father... I still had an ounce of hope that I would have a happy family. And as I became alone, I began to feel rejected. I knew had my son to hold onto, and this growing baby inside of me to help me get passed the hurt... but this was the first time I had ever felt rejected.
Life went on and I became the Mother to a baby girl. I knew I had no other option than to be strong and wise for both of my kids. And that meant cutting all ties to the abusive, manipulative person that missed roll call for this family. It hurt. And it still does.
I continue to feel rejected every day. Not just by him, but by LOTS of others.
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was numb. I couldn't cry, as hard as I tried. It was like there was a barrier around my heart and soul that not even I could get over. I have been in denial of the feelings of sadness that I have. And even though I have my kids that make me feel LOVED and I know that I'm not alone because of them... some days I just feel... alone. And rejected. Unloved, and just different. But it's because I am different. I have had these expectations for things to be the way they were in the past. But the fact of the matter is, they aren't going to be. I can't wait around for someone to make me happy. I have to choose to be happy with what I have NOW. And I am.
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."
This morning I was feeling happy and positive. I left work to go on lunch and as I got in the car and turned the radio on, I just started to sob. I began to miss the people of my past. The good and the bad. All I wanted to know that someone still cared about me and wanted me to be a part of their life. It seems like I've met so many people in the past year and a half and I can't seem to make an impact on any of them? That feeling is the worst.
As I wiped away a tear... I got an email from someone that reads my blog. She simply stated that she thinks more people should be like me.
It made me smile and realize that just because I'm lonely and sad and things aren't how I expected them to be with two kids.. I do have a good life, and I'm still ME.
I still love with all that I have, no matter who you are. I do my best to give my kids a happy life. I work hard for the things that I have. I still craft because it makes me happy and I still cook dinner so that my kids and I aren't hungry. My house might be dirty, but is that something to worry about? Nah. I know that I've had my chances of happiness with people, and I pushed those people away. But that doesn't mean that I won't ever have happiness with someone, someday.
"I will fall in love when I'm ready... not when I'm lonely."
Yeah, it's almost been 2 years that I've been a single Mother again... and it might seem like a long time. It might hurt that I'm not that PERSON in someone's life. But I still have my whole life to find the man that will treat my kids and I the way we deserve. Right now I should be doing things to better MY future and my KIDS' futures. Like, going to school. I should go to school so that I can do something that I love and support my family. Despite my wants of having someone there to take care of us.
I do feel rejected and I don't understand why some people wouldn't want me in their life. I know that I am a good person... and just because I cry, doesn't mean that I'm weak and can't go on with life. Just because I am willing and wanting to accept each and every person that walks into my life, doesn't mean that they want to be here. Which is okay. I can and will find happiness with the life that I'm living NOW. Life revolves around love, I know that. And some days it is hard to be a single Mom. Some days I wish I could just turn my kids over into someone elses hands. And I know that I'm not the only single mother that feels that way. And I also know that I would never do that. I love my kids more than the stars in the sky... and through every heartache, and lonely night, and broke bank account- everything's gonna be alright. God has a plan for this girl, and I have to remember that.
I might not have someone to share my simple joys with and hold me when times are tough... but I do have my kids and I do have some pretty amazing people that I know support me through my mistakes, choices, and accomplishments. People that I may not even know. Seriously, thank you to the person that left that comment today. And thank you to all the other amazing people I have in my life. If you're reading this... you're one of them!
It's okay not to be okay... life still goes on. Sometimes it's okay to want to just cry and be sad for the day. I will wake up tomorrow feeling fresh and blessed with the life that I do have.
Then I got pregnant. And life changed. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was happy, scared, felt blessed, terrified, and mostly, felt like I was disappointing my family and friends.. and not only them, but disappointing myself. I was 19 years old, and had a 3 year old. I wasn't in a relationship that I knew would last. I loved him. No, I liked the idea of loving him... He abused my thoughts, words, and doings and it changed the person that I was. I didn't want to bring a baby into this world with the situation I was in. I didn't want to raise another baby on my own. I didn't think that I could possibly do it. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. And I researched my options. I looked at countless adopting families and found a few that I felt would be perfect for this child of mine. But as I continued to pray, and life continued to open new doors for me.. I felt that I was supposed to make this baby mine. It was all going to be okay. Even though I knew deep down that I would be the Mother and Father... I still had an ounce of hope that I would have a happy family. And as I became alone, I began to feel rejected. I knew had my son to hold onto, and this growing baby inside of me to help me get passed the hurt... but this was the first time I had ever felt rejected.
Life went on and I became the Mother to a baby girl. I knew I had no other option than to be strong and wise for both of my kids. And that meant cutting all ties to the abusive, manipulative person that missed roll call for this family. It hurt. And it still does.
I continue to feel rejected every day. Not just by him, but by LOTS of others.
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was numb. I couldn't cry, as hard as I tried. It was like there was a barrier around my heart and soul that not even I could get over. I have been in denial of the feelings of sadness that I have. And even though I have my kids that make me feel LOVED and I know that I'm not alone because of them... some days I just feel... alone. And rejected. Unloved, and just different. But it's because I am different. I have had these expectations for things to be the way they were in the past. But the fact of the matter is, they aren't going to be. I can't wait around for someone to make me happy. I have to choose to be happy with what I have NOW. And I am.
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."
This morning I was feeling happy and positive. I left work to go on lunch and as I got in the car and turned the radio on, I just started to sob. I began to miss the people of my past. The good and the bad. All I wanted to know that someone still cared about me and wanted me to be a part of their life. It seems like I've met so many people in the past year and a half and I can't seem to make an impact on any of them? That feeling is the worst.
As I wiped away a tear... I got an email from someone that reads my blog. She simply stated that she thinks more people should be like me.
It made me smile and realize that just because I'm lonely and sad and things aren't how I expected them to be with two kids.. I do have a good life, and I'm still ME.
I still love with all that I have, no matter who you are. I do my best to give my kids a happy life. I work hard for the things that I have. I still craft because it makes me happy and I still cook dinner so that my kids and I aren't hungry. My house might be dirty, but is that something to worry about? Nah. I know that I've had my chances of happiness with people, and I pushed those people away. But that doesn't mean that I won't ever have happiness with someone, someday.
"I will fall in love when I'm ready... not when I'm lonely."
Yeah, it's almost been 2 years that I've been a single Mother again... and it might seem like a long time. It might hurt that I'm not that PERSON in someone's life. But I still have my whole life to find the man that will treat my kids and I the way we deserve. Right now I should be doing things to better MY future and my KIDS' futures. Like, going to school. I should go to school so that I can do something that I love and support my family. Despite my wants of having someone there to take care of us.
I do feel rejected and I don't understand why some people wouldn't want me in their life. I know that I am a good person... and just because I cry, doesn't mean that I'm weak and can't go on with life. Just because I am willing and wanting to accept each and every person that walks into my life, doesn't mean that they want to be here. Which is okay. I can and will find happiness with the life that I'm living NOW. Life revolves around love, I know that. And some days it is hard to be a single Mom. Some days I wish I could just turn my kids over into someone elses hands. And I know that I'm not the only single mother that feels that way. And I also know that I would never do that. I love my kids more than the stars in the sky... and through every heartache, and lonely night, and broke bank account- everything's gonna be alright. God has a plan for this girl, and I have to remember that.
I might not have someone to share my simple joys with and hold me when times are tough... but I do have my kids and I do have some pretty amazing people that I know support me through my mistakes, choices, and accomplishments. People that I may not even know. Seriously, thank you to the person that left that comment today. And thank you to all the other amazing people I have in my life. If you're reading this... you're one of them!
It's okay not to be okay... life still goes on. Sometimes it's okay to want to just cry and be sad for the day. I will wake up tomorrow feeling fresh and blessed with the life that I do have.
*Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.*
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I think that was one of the most powerful posts you have ever posted! I hope that when I have kids I can be as strong of a mother as you are. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It really helps me in my day to day life!
ReplyDeleteYou are so good at writing Jaquie. You have a way with words! Annnnd- I have told you time and time again, you are amazing! I am lucky to have a bestie like you. When that Mr. Right comes knockin', he will be so happy he found your door and he wont ever turn back.. and you will get that, you will. But in the mean time, you are doing an incredible job. I can't even do everything you do and I have a spouse to help me out. You are so strong willed, and you have so much faith in yourself.. And it shows through and through! Love you Jaquie! Muuah!
ReplyDeleteOh honey:( SO many times, Ashli and I have said that it doesn't seem fair for you to be alone. You have so much to offer. And the right man is out there, Jacquie. He will love those beautiful babies and their beautiful Mom. I'll pray for you. Life holds lots of beautiful moments and they will be yours. I admire you and love you and want all the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI just went to High School with you, and don't know much about you. But just from reading this post your an amazing writter and a very good mother! I'm an army wife going through my second deployment and I just had a baby...icant call myself a single mom, but I've had a few glimpses of it, and its very hard!! Your a strong girl to do this! One day you'll find your prince charming!
ReplyDelete